The best and worst day

I cut my son's fingers off.

Well, sorta.

It was spring break, Mitch was home, just him for a change. I like his girlfriend Erin, but it's nice to have just him sometimes. When those times come, we often end up in the garage. We pull the cars out, set up saw horses, run for materials, and dive into "sawdust therapy."

We spent the morning running around town looking for the right combinations of oak for him to start work on a rocking chair and for me to continue work on a cabinet for choir folders. By mid afternoon, the wood chips were a flyin'!

Laurie was visiting girlfriends in town so it was just Mitch and I. I made a run for some of the best steaks I could find and had just put them on the grill when I heard a "ping!" From the garage and Mitch yelling an expletive and "Dad! Get in the car!"

What happened was, he was doing a complicated cut on my table saw. It was made slightly easier by the fact that I had taken most of the safety devices off the saw and he was pulling a piece of wood against the blade. (Something you couldn't do until I had modified the saw) so the blade grabbed the wood chunk and pulled it across the blade with the fingers attached and lacerated them, not off, but through the muscle, tendon, and bone.

I drove to the hospital, Mitch texted Erin who jumped in the car, I called Laurie, and we made it without much additional blood spilt.

The fingers today (about 6 months later) are still attached but two of them are pretty non-functional. There is a chance at new joints when arthritis sets in. (It will) He seems to be doing ok with it, has quit playing guitar for the most part, and has focused in visual art.

I'm not doing as well as he. I loved his guitar playing more than he does. I took the guards off the saw. I wasn't in the room when he made an ill-advised cut. I also couldn't pay his medical bills (which were overwhelming for him) it's just another occasion where my ability to support my family financially has been a disappointment to me.

Outliving a student

They say that outliving a child or a spouse is one of the worst things that a person should have to endure. I think I believe that. Outliving a good friend or close family member is another tough one (but probably not as tough as outliving a dog) Well, it looks like I've outlived another student. This has happened before but it doesn't make it easy. I at least could face my students and give them some words without turning into a sobbing mess. What did I say, you ask? something like this. "Well, today is going to suck. Welcome to the worst day of the year at SBHS (I hope)We're going to talk a little and then sing a little. Here is the facts. Brandon Delzer was killed in a car accident last night. There was another person in the vehicle but they don't appear to be seriously hurt. I don't know the specifics of the accident and it doesn't really matter, one of us is no longer here. There are counselors just down the hall and a place to hug someone and fix your makeup. Take advantage of that if you need to. So, I remember the last time something like this happened in my world. I was one of the youth sponsors for my church. Kirk was tragically killed and it shook us all up a lot. We wonder why he was taken and not us. The words that God gave me that day for my students was something like, "I don't think we will ever know why Kirk was taken, it seems pointless, he seemed to have a lot to give, we loved him, but the fact is, he's gone." It seems really obvious to say it outloud, but the important part of all this is that we are all still here. Maybe you don't know your life purpose at this time but I'm convinced that you have one. Someone in this room might cure cancer, write the perfect love song, or just smile at someone who needed one smile to keep them facing their life that seems unbearable. That person might be you. Continue looking for your purpose, mission, ministry, whatever. Grieving is going to be different for everyone, I want you to be ok with how you are feeling. Some of you might have had a horrible 20 minutes when you found out that Brandon was killed and then you took a deep breath and seemed ok, some of you are about to have a pretty crappy week. Sometimes you might feel all ok and then something will trigger a memory and you'll not be ok for awhile. It's also important to be ok. Don't feel weird when some of your friends are still a mess when you've gotten over it. We'll be ok, some of us are ok now, some of us will be ok by the weekend, some of us will gradually become ok over the next few weeks, but we'll be ok. (Ugh, let's not do this again!)

9/30/2013 anxiety

I often find myself not dealing well with anxiety. I sometimes wake up at night with an unreasonable "overwhelmed" feeling, but it goes away.

At school it hits more and more when I just don't want to be in front if people. I'd live to chat, blog, email my response to issues and not stutter my way thru an answer.

So, stuttering, it seems to be one of the main reasons I'd love to do something other than teach. Unfortunately those second careers that I consider require actual communication ... Or do they?

Writing .... I've done only a little of it. An article here and there, some mass email things for fantasy football and probably more. I wonder if there's a place in it for me?

First day

I'm 54 years old. I hope that I am in my last year of public school teaching. This blog, at this time is simply a place to put my thoughts, to see if something evolves. Do I hate teaching? no, Am I not good at it? A bit more complex. I'm a bit of a fraud at the technical aspects but seem to have skills at motivating high school kids.

My oldest son, Nic recently shared that even though he is nearing the end of an arduous medical training, he doubts if he'll be in the field in 10-15 years. Seems like a waste!

I don't want to be a bitter old ineffective teacher in 10 years. At least I don't want to have done nothing to make things better including prayer, so step one is just that.

Father God you know my passions and abilities better than I. You also know who needs me in their life. I pray that you will reveal to me the place you have for me, open my eyes and Laurie's as well. We look forward to the way you'll lead us. Amen