Bad Statue!!

Statues, and the plaques that accompany them are important. We should probably stop and read them all when we come across them. They often tell a story of a place, event or person, and, truth be told, it’s often only one perspective. So, Robert E Lee, or Nathan Bedford Forrest, have statues and plaques that point out their strong leadership qualities, and ideals that were shared by large portions of our population. These are not ideals that most of us share today, we have evolved past much of the pre-civil war attitudes. Public opinion of late would have us tear down or warehouse these statues. These men from a different time were just part of our history – Abolitionists (opposed to slavery) were a very small fringe part of our population at one time … like white supremacists, Westboro Baptists, or proponents of “essential oils” today, maybe. Pulling down statues, renaming buildings or mountains, doesn’t change the fact that our forefathers were real people, motivated by different events, and important, whether we agree with them or not. So many good things today have a sordid past: most of the US founding fathers, the Christian church, The United States of America, the Scoopers of Sturgis, Georgetown University come to mind, you probably have a few embarrassing things in your personal past as well. Let’s move into the future different and better than we were in the past. Remembering that we can espouse the Declaration of independence even though it’s writer probably raped his slave, Spread the Good News of Jesus Christ even though the Christian crusades were barbaric, and cheer for the Scoopers even if the first scoopers were probably prostitutes servicing the soldiers of Ft. Meade. (Ok, Scoopers as a nickname was ALWAYS a bad idea.

Only as happy as your saddest child.

Parenting doesn't end. All of my kids now have more education than I do. They are successful and either in that position they were looking for or they are getting close. In two years they will have 4 graduate degrees between them (compared to 0 for their parents)

I should be happy, fulfilled, reveling in their success.

But no one is happy. Mitch's finger accident, Meghan's miscarriage and treatment for partial molar pregnancy, and Nic's loneliness have left them struggling. When one of them is struggling I seem able to focus on them, pray, and speak word that are helpful. When three of them are down, I get depressed and wonder if there is something I did wrong in preparing them with strength for these periods. 

Emotional strength is something that should be taught, in both a sacred and secular setting. We are blessed as a body of believers to live in an easy time to express faith. We are also blessed to life in the United States of America. But we are an emotional mess when things don't seem perfect.

I wonder what my words should be for those "valley days." Is that my job as dad in these years? Do I have a job? 

The Giver and Taker-away of life

I was a Grampa. It looks like I was a grandpa for about 7 weeks. That's how long Meghan was viably pregnant - or maybe viable isn't the right word, but that's how long my grandbaby grew. When I was very young I was a pro-choice guy. Not because I cared about a woman's rights, but simply a means of population control. It seemed to my simple way of thinking that the population explosion was the root of most of the world's problems.

I think differently now.

Meghan's pregnancy ended as a result of a partial molar pregnancy. It is a genetic accident that happens almost immediately in the fertilization process. A defective fetus grows and is killed by the "mole" which is the placenta - growing unnaturally - much like a cancer.

Of course the word Cancer freaked me out. This is my princess we're talking about! While the untreated prognosis is serious, Meg's doctors have been on top of things and she has confidence in them. She'll be fine and at some point has a good chance of normal motherhood. Maybe starting in a year, maybe less.

Back to the implications for prospective parents and grandparents. This was not tissue, this was life! I grieve for it still daily and wonder why God would put my daughter and our family thru it. I still remember Mitch's face when he opened up her announcement gift. It was a painting that said something like "anyone can be a man, only the best get to be uncles!" He was almost breathless! We were thrilled! It was happy days, she had begun to tell friends ... And then the ultrasound that showed no heartbeat. 

So, God, (who certainly reads my blog) I respectfully don't agree with the way you've handled Meghan's plans at this point. I still believe that you know why this happened and that will have to be enough. I also am trying to believe that you love her more than I do. (That's the hard part right now) I ask that you pay close attention to her and our next generation. She needs some strength and I need some words to give her from time to time. Provide as only You can. I look forward to the way You will work and I will praise you and give you credit for the results.

The best and worst day

I cut my son's fingers off.

Well, sorta.

It was spring break, Mitch was home, just him for a change. I like his girlfriend Erin, but it's nice to have just him sometimes. When those times come, we often end up in the garage. We pull the cars out, set up saw horses, run for materials, and dive into "sawdust therapy."

We spent the morning running around town looking for the right combinations of oak for him to start work on a rocking chair and for me to continue work on a cabinet for choir folders. By mid afternoon, the wood chips were a flyin'!

Laurie was visiting girlfriends in town so it was just Mitch and I. I made a run for some of the best steaks I could find and had just put them on the grill when I heard a "ping!" From the garage and Mitch yelling an expletive and "Dad! Get in the car!"

What happened was, he was doing a complicated cut on my table saw. It was made slightly easier by the fact that I had taken most of the safety devices off the saw and he was pulling a piece of wood against the blade. (Something you couldn't do until I had modified the saw) so the blade grabbed the wood chunk and pulled it across the blade with the fingers attached and lacerated them, not off, but through the muscle, tendon, and bone.

I drove to the hospital, Mitch texted Erin who jumped in the car, I called Laurie, and we made it without much additional blood spilt.

The fingers today (about 6 months later) are still attached but two of them are pretty non-functional. There is a chance at new joints when arthritis sets in. (It will) He seems to be doing ok with it, has quit playing guitar for the most part, and has focused in visual art.

I'm not doing as well as he. I loved his guitar playing more than he does. I took the guards off the saw. I wasn't in the room when he made an ill-advised cut. I also couldn't pay his medical bills (which were overwhelming for him) it's just another occasion where my ability to support my family financially has been a disappointment to me.

Outliving a student

They say that outliving a child or a spouse is one of the worst things that a person should have to endure. I think I believe that. Outliving a good friend or close family member is another tough one (but probably not as tough as outliving a dog) Well, it looks like I've outlived another student. This has happened before but it doesn't make it easy. I at least could face my students and give them some words without turning into a sobbing mess. What did I say, you ask? something like this. "Well, today is going to suck. Welcome to the worst day of the year at SBHS (I hope)We're going to talk a little and then sing a little. Here is the facts. Brandon Delzer was killed in a car accident last night. There was another person in the vehicle but they don't appear to be seriously hurt. I don't know the specifics of the accident and it doesn't really matter, one of us is no longer here. There are counselors just down the hall and a place to hug someone and fix your makeup. Take advantage of that if you need to. So, I remember the last time something like this happened in my world. I was one of the youth sponsors for my church. Kirk was tragically killed and it shook us all up a lot. We wonder why he was taken and not us. The words that God gave me that day for my students was something like, "I don't think we will ever know why Kirk was taken, it seems pointless, he seemed to have a lot to give, we loved him, but the fact is, he's gone." It seems really obvious to say it outloud, but the important part of all this is that we are all still here. Maybe you don't know your life purpose at this time but I'm convinced that you have one. Someone in this room might cure cancer, write the perfect love song, or just smile at someone who needed one smile to keep them facing their life that seems unbearable. That person might be you. Continue looking for your purpose, mission, ministry, whatever. Grieving is going to be different for everyone, I want you to be ok with how you are feeling. Some of you might have had a horrible 20 minutes when you found out that Brandon was killed and then you took a deep breath and seemed ok, some of you are about to have a pretty crappy week. Sometimes you might feel all ok and then something will trigger a memory and you'll not be ok for awhile. It's also important to be ok. Don't feel weird when some of your friends are still a mess when you've gotten over it. We'll be ok, some of us are ok now, some of us will be ok by the weekend, some of us will gradually become ok over the next few weeks, but we'll be ok. (Ugh, let's not do this again!)

9/30/2013 anxiety

I often find myself not dealing well with anxiety. I sometimes wake up at night with an unreasonable "overwhelmed" feeling, but it goes away.

At school it hits more and more when I just don't want to be in front if people. I'd live to chat, blog, email my response to issues and not stutter my way thru an answer.

So, stuttering, it seems to be one of the main reasons I'd love to do something other than teach. Unfortunately those second careers that I consider require actual communication ... Or do they?

Writing .... I've done only a little of it. An article here and there, some mass email things for fantasy football and probably more. I wonder if there's a place in it for me?

First day

I'm 54 years old. I hope that I am in my last year of public school teaching. This blog, at this time is simply a place to put my thoughts, to see if something evolves. Do I hate teaching? no, Am I not good at it? A bit more complex. I'm a bit of a fraud at the technical aspects but seem to have skills at motivating high school kids.

My oldest son, Nic recently shared that even though he is nearing the end of an arduous medical training, he doubts if he'll be in the field in 10-15 years. Seems like a waste!

I don't want to be a bitter old ineffective teacher in 10 years. At least I don't want to have done nothing to make things better including prayer, so step one is just that.

Father God you know my passions and abilities better than I. You also know who needs me in their life. I pray that you will reveal to me the place you have for me, open my eyes and Laurie's as well. We look forward to the way you'll lead us. Amen